Get At Me

Recently I’ve been watching a lot of cable news (FOX, CNN, MSNBC).  

In this time I’ve developed a major crush on Alex Wagner.

Like a – if we were in high school, I’d slip a note in her locker and tell her to meet me after ninth period – type crush.  

Alas, we’re not in high school, so here’s an open letter to Ms. Alex Wagner.


Dear Alex,

I don’t know if you have a husband or boyfriend, but I’d like to officially put my name in for consideration.

You’re articulate, witty, and have the cheekbones of a young David Bowie.  Your hair is shiny and parted well.  You have kind eyes and a nice smile.

Before you mistake this for a letter of straight flattery, let me stop myself and make my intentions clear.  The intent of this letter is to convince you to date me.   So, let the convincing commence.

We’re compatible.  You’re an accomplished journalist.  I write a blog that garners over 200 views a week (impressed?).  You work for MSNBC.  I worked at NBC.  You were an editor at Fader Magazine.  I like music. So yeah, compatibility, check.

I come with references.  My Grandmother thinks, and I’m quoting here, that I’m “very handsome,” and “smart.”  Those sentiments are echoed by my Mother and Aunt.

Now, let me paint a picture of our first date.  I take you to a smart, thought provoking, edgy movie or something starring Dwayne Johnson The Rock.  I buy you popcorn, goobers and an orange soda.  Then it’s off to dinner.  We go to an ethnic restaurant, you laugh at my inability to pronounce anything on the menu (believe me, my general ineptitude is more charming than you think).  We have a few drinks.  We share a conversion.  I hail you a cab.  Date over.  I’m confident over that span I will have thoroughly wooed you.

I know our age difference may concern you (10 years, according to Wikipedia), but younger men and older women can work.  Look at Ashton and Demi, if you discount the whole cheating thing, the whip-its thing, and their subsequent break up, they made it work.  Okay, bad example.  What about Madonna and Guy? David Gest and Liza? Okay those are bad example too, but what about Mariah and Nick Cannon, you got to give me that one.  She may be crazy and he may be a terrible rapper, but they’re making it work. Let me be your Nick Cannon.

I live in New York, you live in New York.  I’m only asking for one date, you won’t regret it. If not you’ll just end up with someone like Jason Sudekis, and trust me I’m better than Justin Sudekis*.

Yours Truly,

Gregory A. Massaro
631-680-xxxx(yep, those are my real digits)

*I have no proof to support this claim.