The 2016 Plan

In my constant pursuit of finding a way to make money whilst putting in the least amount of effort possible, I came up with an idea.  I once read about a guy who would buy domain names of prospective athletes and then, when said athletes became big, he would sell the domain name to the athlete and make a buttload of money.

Sounds foolproof.

With the next Presidential election four years away, I figured I’d get a jump on the prospective candidates and cash in.  After getting excited about the prospect of making a quick (relatively speaking) buck off the backs of some rich politicians it seemed perfect.

Now it was time to buy up some domain names.

I started with the blue chippers, Hillary, Ryan, Christie.  Of course, I was late on all of them.

christie

I tried the savior/Poland Spring enthusiast, Marco Rubio.  No luck.

marcoRicky Rubio on the other hand…

ricky

It was time to settle for some dark horses.  For only $50, I could bet on General Petraeus changing his mind.  Not terrible, but also most likely a waste of $50.

david

Someone else was trying to sell SarahPalin2016.com for $50,0000, which would be the like me trying to sell my Tabasco the bull Beanie Baby on ebay for the equivalnt of – I don’t know – $50.000.

sarah

Even the C-listers were taken.

deval

 

Really Deval?  Get over yourself.

Having lost all hope, I turned to the D-List.  Dennis Kucinich.  And there it was, those beautiful words everyone wants to read, “Congratulations! denniskucinich2016.com is available.”

dennisI’ve already sent Dennis about fifty emails urging him to make a run in 2016.

Okay, I’ll admit it, I was behind the ball for 2016, but that doesn’t mean it was a bad idea.  I just have to set my sights further down the road.  maliaMaliaObama2052.com is mine.  Money in the bank.  Now, I’m going to put this up as collateral, get myself a $50,000 loan and move out of my parents basement.

Time to make it rain.

Required Reading: Valentine’s Day

I will never write anything on/about Valentine’s Day better than this.  Not even going to try and bite.  Read and enjoy.

vday 500Favorite Excerpt:

 “I then call Drake, who says he is unexpectedly free because, according to him, “Women hate Losers.”  We order delivery thai, watch Season 3 of Degrassi, and I teach him how to perform live without embarrassing his friends and family.  Solid bromantic evening.”

Never have there been truer words written.  I wish I wrote this. #2011 #classicmaterial

Shaved

There’s many things about corporate America that I’m not in love with.  The fact that they are not enamored by unkempt facial hair is perhaps my least favorite part of being “a professional.”  After months of facial growth, I shaved.

I don’t grow a great beard (some may even say I don’t grow a beard at all instead dismissing it as “scruff”), but it does do some great things.  It hides the fact that I have no chin, a comically small mouth (like a Guess Who? mouth) and a jaw line that can only be described as imaginary.  It’s now gone.  Good-bye sweet beard, good-bye.

Are you happy corporate America?  Now you just have another plain looking white guy.

What – Take Care – Could’ve Been

take care couldve

The other day Aubrey ‘Drake’ Graham won his first Grammy when Take Care took home the award for Best Rap Album (an award that should have gone to Good Kid Maad City, which wasn’t even nominated).  For all intents and purposes Take Care was a very good album, but by no means, no matter what others may say, is it a “classic.”  There is too much filler, too many extraneous features, and the last third of the album is almost completely unnecessary.  And in the hip hop world, were a classic or bust mentality is starting to develop, that’s important.

Every great rapper needs a “classic” album to be considered truly great.  Without a “classic” you fall into a level of rap with the likes of Ludacris, Nelly and Mase, never completely respected and often cast aside as a phase or a trend.  With Drake’s third album slated to come out this year and no “classic” on his resume (remember, rapper’s best material usually come early in their career, not late), he is in danger of becoming nothing more than a fad, something we look back on and wonder “what were we thinking?”

The only reason I bring this up is because I honestly think Take Care had great potential to be a “classic” and I still think somewhere in there lies a “classic” album.  So, I’ve taken it upon myself to classic-ify Take Care.  Scraping redundant tracks, remedying puzzling song choices and rearranging the track list.

What Take Care Could’ve Been

1.  Over My Dead Body
2.  Shot For Me
3.  I’m On One (feat Rick Ross, Lil Wayne)
4.  Crew Love (feat The Weeknd)
5.  Take Care (feat Rihanna)
6.  Marvins Room
7.  Buried Alive Interlude (Kendrick Lamar)
8.  Dreams Money Can Buy* 
9.  Lord Knows (feat Rick Ross)
10.  Camera / Good Ones Go Interlude
11.  Doing It Wrong
12.  Look What You’ve Done
BONUS:  HYFR (feat Lil Wayne)
BONUS:  The Motto (feat Lil Wayne)

KEEP Over My Dead Body and Shot For Me, they both are nearly flawless in kicking off a Drake album.  “I think I killed everybody in the game last year, man. Fuck it, I was on though.  And I thought I found the girl of my dreams at the strip club (mm-mm).  Fuck it, I was wrong though”, is the prefect start to any Drake album.  Also calling out Alisha on Shot for Me, so necessary.

SCRAP Headlines, although the first four bars are exceedingly amazing, any song that has Drake talking about catching bodies has to go.  

ADD I’m on One, I know this is a supposedly a “DJ Khaled track”, but c’mon this is a Drake track and everyone knows it.  Drizzy has to grow a set and tell Khaled to “suck it.”  This may have been the best hip-hop song of 2011 and DJ Khaled has nearly nothing to do with it.  

KEEP Crew Love, Marvins Room and Buried Alive.  Obligatory Weeknd feature has to be there.  Marvins Room is sooo Drake it’s not even funny.  Buried Alive is on the fence, Drake doesn’t even appear on the track, but Kendrick is too good to bump.

SCRAP Under Ground Kings, We’ll Be Fine and Make Me Proud.  Non of these songs are even remotely needed, I don’t even feel like going into detail.  

ADD Dreams Money Can Buythe Jai Paul sample alone should have qualified this as an uncuttable track, plus lines like “I feel like lately I went from top five to remaining five.  My favorite rappers either lost it or they ain’t alive” is exactly the kind of sass this album needs more of.

KEEP Lord Knows, Camera/ Good Ones God, and Doing it Wrong.  The Just Blaze beat on Lord Knows is too triumphant for words.  Camera/ Good Ones God is one of those sleeper tracks that breaks up the album and grows on you with repeat listens.  Doing It Wrong is basically Drake’s dissertation on the “hook up generation,” so generation Y.

SCRAP The Real Her, Practice and The Ride.  Sorry Andre, but there is no reason for Doing It Wrong and The Real Her.  Sorry The Weeknd, but there is no reason for Crew Love and The Ride.  Redundancies.  As for Practice, if Drizzy could have coaxed Wayne into reprising his role from the original, this may have been a different story, but really why re-invent a song that needs no re-inventing?

 KEEP Look What You’ve Done.  This album needs to end with Drake’s grandmother’s voice mail.  How did Drake not see this?

 BONUS:  HYFR and The Motto.  Okay the “official” album ends with Look What You’ve Done, but HYFR and The Motto are too infectious to end up as leaks or mixtape fodder.  They get tacked on to the end as bonus tracks.

There you have it.  Classic Album.  Credits.

*(note Dreams Money Can Buy is not available on Spotify)