Super Bowl XLVII: All You Need to Know

Every single thing I know about Baltimore, as a city, is based on The Wire.  Nearly everything I know about San Francisco is based on Full House.  Both are all time great shows.  Each series remarkably captures everything I stereotypically believe about each respective city.  Basically it boils down to this, Baltimore is scary, San Francisco is soft.

Baltimore plays San Francisco on the Super Bowl this year.

Ray Lewis is Omar Little.  Colin Kaepernick is Danny Tanner.

And fun fact, Joey Gladstone is actually half brothers with Jimmy McNulty and I’m not making that up, it was explained briefly in on of the deleted scenes of season three.

full wireWho ya got?

 

Diva Alert

Fourteen years ago, the 49ers played the Packers in one the greatest playoff games in NFL history.  It went something like this. (Watch the whole drive, Vintage Steve Young + Pat Summerall play-by-play + Nervous Brett Favre + Emotional Terrell Owens = AMAZING)

Something bigger than a San Francisco win happened on that drive.  After four years in the NFL, Terrell Owens transformed from hardworking slot receiver into the biggest diva the league had ever seen.

Today, the Packs and Niners faced off again in the playoffs.  Again the Niners won and again another four year receiver tilted the balance,  Michael Crabtree hauled in 9 receptions for 119 yard and 2 touchdowns in route to the 49ers stomping out the Packers in a one-sided affair.  Then Michael Crabtree, known mostly as a former first round pick and mild disappointment, marched into the post game press conference dressed something like a Lenny Kravitiz impersonator (for reference he usually dresses like this).

Crabtree

And just like that, a Diva is born.

Oh yeah, and of course 2 Chainz was there.  Because, why wouldn’t he be?

Internet, You So Crazy

Today was an internet day for the ages.  At 12:00 pm EST, the entire internet community sat at the edge of its seat waiting for 12:01 to drop.  Then is came.  And it was tremendously disappointing.  But, then, without even missing a beat, the internet redeemed itself.  Then, almost immediately after it’s redemption, the internet just got totally weird with it.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you were probably too busy checking your Friendster account or responding to emails via Hotmail, and should probably take a step into 2013 and learn how to effectively use the Internet (or as you refer to it “the web”).  But, I digress.

Yesterday, former mouseketeer/punk’d hall of famer/Mr. Beal, Justin Timberlake sent out a very cryptic tweet.

This led to millions of post-teen teenie-boppers and fedora wearing enthusiasts to clamor that, perhaps, a new JT single was on the way.  And even more possibly a Justin Timberlake – Jay-Z – Beyonce ménage à trois, of sorts, would shatter everyone’s universe come January 10th, 2013.

Instead we got this.

A freakin’ teaser trailer.  Who sends out a teaser tweet, to tease a freakin’ teaser trailer?!?  This is what we call, overselling and under-delivering.  I speak for the entire internet when I say, so disappointed. Let’s just say a minute long video of Justin Timberlake’s back is not what we were expecting.

But then, not even a minute later, Beyonce released this via tumblr:

Beyonce new

Destiny’s Child is back together!!! (still waiting for the Anjel reunion).  The internet rejoiced (can we all just spend the rest of the day watching the Say My Name video on loop).   Now before everyone gets too excited, this is just an announcement and it’s basically the same thing Timberlake just did, so why the double standard?  Well, because Beyonce actually knows how to do things.  Unlike Justin, she doesn’t hype the world up for a lame one minute Youtube video, instead she just drops unexpected greatness and peaces.  She’s has a history of this type of behavior.  She’s awesome.

So, while the internet buzzed about a Destiny’s Child reunion and a Justin Timberlake comeback, it seemed like only a matter of time before Carson Daly announced a TRL relaunch.  Then the internet decided to get weird.  Like really weird.

Sammy Sosa (former baseball player/steroid addict/all-around creepy dude) released to the world his Pinterest(?),

sosa2This is Sammy Sosa, yes the real Sammy Sosa, and this is his Pinterest.  How can I be so sure?  Because he captions every one of his awkwardly posed photos with, “Sammy Sosa. Yes, I’m the real Sammy Sosa, and this is my Pinterest.”  WHAT!?!  This is just odd.  It’s an entire wall of pictures of Sosa in a suit or a sweater sitting in chairs, leaning on chairs, showing off his computer, posing with framed photos and pointing.  Somehow I feel like the Mayans predicted this..

sosaTwitter.  Tumblr.  Youtube.  Pinterest.  Internet, I love you.

The Greg Massaro Power Rankings

Here it is.  The first ever power rankings of what I deem important/what’s amazing/what I’m thinking about right now at this exact point in time.

Notable omissions  the Knicks/honey nut cheerios, NFL playoffs, Jimmy Fallon

8.  CharlieRose.com

My main source of “entertainment” for the last week has been watching old/newish Charlie Rose episodes on his site.  I’ve gone into my Charlie Rose fetish (sorry for that visual) in previous posts, so I won’t bore you, but two things hold it back from being higher on the list, 1) for some reason the site ceases to exist between midnight and 1 am (?), 2) no video pre-2010 works.  What the ‘F’ Charlie?

7.  Girls

Girls is due back on TV soonish, like this Sunday, I think.  I’ve already made my love of this show known and I’m ready for my next dose of Hannah.  Plus, Donald Glover aka Childish Gambino aka Troy Barnes shows up this season, so that should be good.  I’m totally all in on Girls II: Electric Boogaloo.

6.  Platinum Coin

If you’re not following this news story, it’s just ridiculous, supposedly there is a slim chance that the government will mint a 1 trillion dollar coin to avoid a debt crisis.  File this under the “it’s just crazy enough it might work” level of governance.  While I’m not an economist, this is just plain stupid and I kind of hope it happens.

5.  Kristen from Top Chef

If you’ve watched Top Chef at all this season, you’ll probably agree it’s been a pretty boring season.  Outside of Kristen, no cheftestant has any personalty.  And outside Kristen, no cheftestant has a chance to win.  Mixing her boyish haircut and abnormally long neck, she wins nearly every challenge and makes me super jealous whenever Stephon hits on her.

4,  Baseball Hall of Fame

Things I hate, cheaters (it’s number one on my list).  Today, the baseball Hall of Fame elected exactly zero new members, I kind of thought Craig Biggio would get in, he’ll get it eventually, but more importantly the BBHoF gave a big fuck you to known steroid cheat-faces like Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds, it also gave a kind of nut tap to, guilty by bacne association, Mike Piazza.  I don’t care if these guy had Hall of Fame credentials even before they cheated, they disgraced the game and deserve to be punished.

3.  Rihanna

Rihanna themed tumblrs is one of only two reasons I still frequent tumblr.   She is the sexist human being alive (I will fight anyone that says otherwise) and Pour It Up is already in heavy consideration as my favorite song of the New Year (even though I guess “technically” it was released last year).  I’m going to say it again, if anyone knows RiRi pass her my digits (631-680-xxxx).

2.  Arrested Development

I’ve totally jumped back into binge watching Arrested Development on Hulu over the last week.  It’s even funnier then I remember.  I laugh out loud at least four or five times each episode.  Add to that, the recent announcement of new episodes coming May and, yeah, I’m excited.

1.  New Girl

I’m just going to say it, New Girl is my favorite show on TV right now.  I’m fairly sure Nick Miller is based on my life.  Zooey Deschanel is absolutely adorkable (I hate that I just used that word, but it’s perfect).  And Nick and Jess GIFS are the number two reason I still pay attention to tumblr.  I love everything about this show and I don’t care if that somehow makes me less of a man.  (more of my thoughts on New Girl here)