An Ode to Die Hard

Die Hard is on TV right now.  DIE HARD IS ON TV RIGHT NOW!!!  As per Article 84 of The Bro Code, I am obligated to stop whatever I am doing and watch.  Which isn’t as much an obligation as it is a pleasure and a privilege.  I love Die Hard, and I venture to guess anyone who doesn’t love Die Hard hates America.  I have no proof of that, but it’s true.

Here are 11 Reasons Die Hard is better than anything.

1) John McClane

Die Hard, at its root, is just 131 minutes of Bruce Willis being totally badass.  Killing bad guys + blowing shit up + wearing a wife beater = Total John McClane badassery.

2) John McClane’s Bare-feet

Remember when he had to cross all that broken glass without his shoes on, and there was nothing he could do about it, so he just walked across that broken glass with his bare feet…That was awesome. (skip to 2 minute mark)

3) Ellis being the embodiment of everything I hate about the financial sector.

“Show him the watch…it’s a Rolex.”  “Hey babe, I negotiate million dollar deals for breakfast.  I think I can handle this Euro trash.” “Hey, sprechen sie talk, huh?”  “Hans, bubby! I’m your white knight.”  … Ugh, I hate Ellis.

4)  Hans Gruber

One of the great bad guys of all-time.  I hate that there is a generation of kids who only know Alan Rickman as Snape from Harry Potter.  In the words of Lil’ Wayne, “Fuck Harry Potter and anybody that love him.”  #TeamGruber

5) Die Hard on a _______

die hard on

Die Hard spawned an entire sub-genre of action films commonly known as “Die Hard on a ____.”  Whether it was Speed (Die Hard on a bus), Airforce One (Die Hard on a plane), CliffHanger (Die Hard on a mountain), or one of a million other awesome knock offs, we are eternally grateful.

6)  “I Shot a Kid” ~ Carl Winslow

I know this entire monologue by heart.  It’s amazing.  You can just tell this scene means EVERYTHING to Reginald VelJohnson.  If I ever become an actor this will be my go-to monologue for auditions.

7) Grip

As per Adam Carolla’s Theory of GripDie Hard definitely holds up (no pun intended).  Grip Highlights; hanging from a fire hose after jumping off a building, jumping down an elevator shaft and grabbing an air vent.

8) “Opps, Noooo Bullets”

It’s all about the inflection.

9)  Christmas In Hollis

First off, let’s not forget this is first and foremost a Christmas movie.  Second, Argyle is sooo underrated.  And third, Run DMC over everything.

10) It’s essentially the same movie as Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Substitute Kevin James for Bruce Willis,  a mall for Nakatomi plaza, a Hispanic daughter for Holly Gennaro, this guy for Hans Gruber, this guy for Ellis, credit codes for bearer bonds, a gang of X-game themed criminals for European terrorists  and you basically have the same movie.

11) Yippee-ki-Yay Motherfucker

Let’s just leave it at that.

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