No One Cares About Your Fantasy Team But You, So Stop Talking About It

The first year I played fantasy sports was 1999.  I was in fifth grade.  It was on a website called (it’s now defunct).  It was fantasy baseball.  My best player was Brian Giles.  I started Luis Sojo as my utility, because at the age of eleven I took the word “utility” literally.  I don’t remember how I finished, and for the life of me, I can’t remember my team name, although I’m sure it was something unoriginal, like the Commack Yankees (my hometown + my favorite team).

Fast forward to now, I’ve named, easily, over a hundred fantasy teams in my life, and with every new team, I still struggle to come up with a good team name.  It’s hard to describe what makes a good fantasy team name.  It has to sound good, be funny, be original, it just has to have that…”it” factor.  Also note, that you’ll probably definitely think your fantasy team name is more clever than it actually is.  In my career I’ve usually followed three different paths.

The obscure pop-culture reference.  This is where you try and impressive your friends with a semi-obscure reference to a movie or TV show.  In the past, I’ve gone with The New Originals (a nod to Spinal Tap), The Night Hawks (a nod to Step Brothers) and, one I was really proud of, The Van Buren Boys (a nod to Seinfeld).  I even liked the Van Buren Boys so much I brought it back for another season as the Van Buren Boys II: Electric Boogaloo.  So, imagine my surprise when I went off to college, and met two guys, that lived in my same dorm, on my same floor, with the same fantasy team name.  It was disillusioning.

The play on words.  This is probably the most common (and corny) avenue to go down.  The basic idea is to take one of your players names and work it into your team name.  Back when Larry Johnson was the toast of the NFL, I scooped him up and named my team, Larry and the Cable Guys (not my proudest moment).  Bleacher Report has a laundry list of this names.  I don’t want to sound like a hater, but I’m about to, these team names strike me as a feign attempt to be clever and witty, when they’re really just bad puns, but maybe I’m just missing the irony of the thing.

The ironic one.  Like I’ve addressed before, people sometimes confuse me for being a hipster.  One reason, my desire attempts at irony.  These team names are usually the dumbest things I can think of at the time.  Examples include, Jacob’s Abs (ala Twilight), Kings of the Burbs (ala this guy), and the Dane Cooks (ala Dane Cook).  These are usually my favorite team names, although they are undoubtedly the least popular in my leagues.  I guess no one else thinks naming your team after a seventeen year old’s stomach is funny, but me.

I know I said there are three paths, but there is another path that just dawned on me, the unapologetically offensive team name.  While I don’t usually partake in this path, I have named a team, Who Ate All the Pussy? (That’s also a reference to a Zach Galifianakis joke, so it could sort of fit into the first category too but anyway.)

Now it’s time to name my 2012-2013 Fantasy Football Team.



Still Thinking…


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