A Bout of Honesty

You’re about to catch me in a bout of honesty right now, so hang on.

It’s almost 4am, I’m tossing and turning, trying to go to sleep and all I can think about is my love life.  My love life can be described as, well, less than spectacular.  My mind is running through all the mistakes I’ve made and opportunities I’ve missed.  And then it dawned on me.  I’ve been making those same mistakes and missing those same opportunities my entire girl chasing life.

I don’t even know if the first girl I fell in love with (and subsequently broke my heart) even knows that I fell in love with her (or that she subsequently broke my heart).  She wasn’t my first kiss, I didn’t lose my virginity to her.  We never slept together, we never even kissed, we only went on one ‘official’ date.  This is all kind of embarrassing.

So why am I telling you this?  Because every mistake I’ve ever made when it comes to women, I made with that first girl, and I’ve kept repeating them, and now it’s time to learn from them.

Mistake #1:  Don’t wait. Act.

Here’s the abridged version of what I’m talking about.  Sophomore year of college I see this girl walking down the hall.  I am immediately drawn to her, I smile at her, she has scowl on her face, she doesn’t even look at me and, even though I stand about a foot taller than her, she almost runs me over.  I look back at her and think, “Wow, what a bitch!… I wish I was friends with her.”  Later that day, I go to work and who is sitting there?  You guessed it, the girl from the hall (destiny right?).  She’s my new co-worker.  We talk for hours.  Crush develops.  Find out she has a boyfriend.  Harbor crush silently for the next two years.  Fast forward to senior year spring break.  I go down to Miami, chock full of drunken co-eds, and who do I run into? Yep, you guessed it again.  And now she’s single (destiny again?).  We hang out a bunch, but of course now there’s only a month and half left of school.

Do you see what I’m saying here?

Mistake #2:  Don’t build her up in your mind.

Avoid fantasizing about a person who you don’t fully know, at all cost.  I don’t mean in a sexual way (although you probably want to avoid that too), I mean in a social way.  Don’t imagine conversations between the two of you, don’t dream up dates you two may share, because, *SPOILER ALERT* you’re inventing something that isn’t real, and when reality collides with your fantasy, you’re going to be disappointed.

Mistake #3: Don’t act too cool for school.

When she texts, don’t wait two hours to text back.  Stop acting so aloof.  Stop pretending like you don’t care.  Etcetera. Etcetera.

Mistake #4:  Act like a man.

This includes calling, not texting.  Asking her on real dates, not drinks with your buddies.  Making the first move.  Basically think, what would George Clooney/Ryan Gosling/Paul Newman do? Then act accordingly.

Mistake #5:  Stop waiting for the perfect moment.

It never comes.

Mistake #6:  Stop believing in signs.

They’re bullshit (destiny included).

Mistake #7: Don’t get jealous.

When you fall for someone, and I mean you really fall for someone, you start thinking they’re the coolest, best looking person in the world.  You start thinking, “if I’m this into this person, everybody must be.”  Soon any unfamiliar face of the opposite sex posting on their Facebook wall becomes suspect.  Any guy that’s talking to them at the bar must be hitting on them.  I mean why wouldn’t they?  Fight this feeling.  Jealously is bad.  Real bad.  Refer back to mistake #4.  Would George Clooney/Ryan Gosling/Paul Newman get jealous?  No, no they wouldn’t.

Mistake #8: Don’t drunk text.

I know in the moment this seems like a good idea, but believe me it’s not.  No one has ever woken up, looked at their phone, and said, “hey, I don’t remember texting so-so, but I’m sure glad I did.”  Furthermore, just don’t let your feelings out in a drunken stupor ever, text or face-to-face.  Being drunk is not an acceptable excuse for anything (expect eating two crunchwrap supremes at 3 in the morning).

Mistake #9:  Tell her how you feel.

This ties into mistakes #3, #4 and #5.  If you like her, sack up and tell her.  Stop waiting for the perfect moment, stop acting too cool, be a man and tell her.  This being said, under no circumstances should this be done over drunken text (see: mistake #8).



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