Truth be told, I steal a lot of things and call them my own. Sometimes, I consciously steal them, sometimes, I don’t even realize I stole them. Now, I’m not talking about stealing tangible items, I’m talking about stealing the intangibles of a person, their character traits, habits, style, views, sayings, inspirations, etcetera. All these things create an Amalgam of Me.
The pie chart below will effectively explain, how exactly I became me. Twenty-three years, nine months and six days in the making.
****The Amalgam of Me in Pie Form****
(click pie to enlarge)
Derek Jeter – 18%
A complete aversion to doing anything controversial.
Showing minimal emotion.
Leading by example.
Never airing out grievances.
Deflecting personal question.
Never making excuses.
Playing through injuries.
Giving the women I bed gift baskets.
George Costanza – 14%
Steve Carell (Michael Scott) – 7%
Saying “That’s what she said.”
Doing things so unfunny to the people around me, that I (and only I) find hysterical.
Writing a terrible screenplay based on myself.
50% of my sense of humor.
Steve Carell (The 40 Year Old Virgin) – 7%
Saying “This is not a good look for me!”
Screaming “Ahhh Kelly Clarkson!!!”
Being completely awkward.
Playing the underdog.
Other 50% of my sense of humor.
Jimmy Fallon – 6%
Calling people, “pal.”
Laughing really hard at things not necessary funny.
Acting overly enthusiastic.
Slim fitting suits.
Wishing I was best friends with Justin Timberlake.
Paul Rudd – 5%
Relishing the sidekick role.
Saying “Totes Mcgotes.”
Making fun of Coldplay.
Frank Sinatra – 4%
Drinking red wine.
Acting like a stereotypical Italian-American.
Acting like a stereotypical New York-American.
Ernest Hemingway – 4%
Inspiration to write.
Desire to run with the bulls.
Drake – 4%
Wearing crewneck sweatshirts.
Irrational love for sweaters.
Saying “be you” and “I’m doing me.”
Beefing with Chris Brown.
Ryan Gosling – 3%
An attempt at the haircut above.
Sporadically growing a beard.
Seth Rogen – 3%
Making extremely obscure pop culture references.
Rembert Browne – 3%
This entire blog.
This specific post.
Peter Gibbons – 3%
Destroying office equipment.
Crash Davis – 3%
Everything I believe in.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt – 3%
Luke Skywalker – 2%
Unwavering crave to be the good guy.
Realizing girls like the bad boy.
Ben Stiller as Starsky – 2%
Lloyd Dobler – 2%
My plans for the future.
Kenny Powers – 2%
Ronaldo – 1%
Wearing long sleeves with shorts.
C.T. – 1%
Getting drunk and making my voice deeper.
Getting drunk and instigating fights.
Tom Cruise – 1%
Vince Vaughn – 1%
Trash talking during sports–based video games.
Telling people they’re “so money.”
Martin Luther King Jr. – 1%
Believing that Love will save the world.
So yeah, that’s basically me. All summed up. As Jay-Z would say, “either love me or leave me alone.”
Greg. Out. (mic drop).