The Amalgam of Me

A while ago, I shameless stole this idea, tweaked it a bit, and then called it my own.  Well, I’m up to it again.

Truth be told, I steal a lot of things and call them my own.  Sometimes, I consciously steal them, sometimes, I don’t even realize I stole them.  Now, I’m not talking about stealing tangible items, I’m talking about stealing the intangibles of a person, their character traits, habits, style, views, sayings, inspirations, etcetera.  All these things create an Amalgam of Me.

The pie chart below will effectively explain, how exactly I became me. Twenty-three years, nine months and six days in the making.

****The Amalgam of Me in Pie Form****
(click pie to enlarge)


Derek Jeter – 18%

A complete aversion to doing  anything controversial.
Showing minimal emotion.
Leading by example.
Never airing out grievances.
Deflecting personal question.
Never making excuses.
Playing through injuries.
Fist Pumping.

Giving the women I bed gift baskets.

George Costanza – 14%

Overall disposition to the world.
Views on career.

Views on women.
Views on baby names.

Sleeping at work.  

Steve Carell (Michael Scott) – 7%

Saying “That’s what she said.”
Doing things so unfunny to the people around me, that I (and only I) find hysterical.
Writing a terrible screenplay based on myself.
50% of my sense of humor.

Steve Carell (The 40 Year Old Virgin) – 7%

Saying “This is not a good look for me!”
Screaming “Ahhh Kelly Clarkson!!!”
Being completely awkward.
Playing the underdog.
Other 50% of my sense of humor.

Jimmy Fallon – 6%

Calling people, “pal.”
Laughing really hard at things not necessary funny.
Acting overly enthusiastic.
Slim fitting suits.
Wishing I was best friends with Justin Timberlake.

Paul Rudd – 5%

Relishing the sidekick role.
Saying “Totes Mcgotes.”
Making fun of Coldplay.

Frank Sinatra – 4%

Drinking red wine.
Acting like a stereotypical Italian-American.
Acting like a stereotypical New York-American.

Ernest Hemingway – 4%

Inspiration to write.
Desire to run with the bulls.
Romanticizing boxing.

Drake – 4%

Wearing crewneck sweatshirts.
Irrational love for sweaters.
Saying “be you” and “I’m doing me.”
Beefing with Chris Brown.

Ryan Gosling – 3%

An attempt at the haircut above.
Sporadically growing a beard.

Seth Rogen – 3%

Making extremely obscure pop culture references.

Rembert Browne – 3%

This entire blog.
This specific post.

 Peter Gibbons – 3%

Destroying office equipment.
General apathy.

 Crash Davis – 3%

Everything I believe in.

 Joseph Gordon-Levitt – 3%

Listening to The Smiths.
Desire to make Alex Mack my girlfriend, circa 1999.
Desire to make Zooey Deschanel my girlfriend,circa present day.

Always believing in my team.

 Luke Skywalker – 2%

Unwavering crave to be the good guy.
Realizing girls like the bad boy.

Ben Stiller as Starsky – 2%


Lloyd Dobler – 2%

My plans for the future.
Dating behavior.

Kenny Powers – 2%

Loving America.

Ronaldo – 1%

Wearing long sleeves with shorts.

C.T. – 1%

Getting drunk and making my voice deeper.
Getting drunk and instigating fights.

Tom Cruise – 1%


 Vince Vaughn – 1%

Trash talking during sports–based video games.
Telling people they’re “so money.”

Martin Luther King Jr. – 1%

Believing that Love will save the world.

So yeah, that’s basically me.  All summed up.  As Jay-Z would say, “either love me or leave me alone.”

Greg. Out. (mic drop).


3 thoughts on “The Amalgam of Me

  1. Not gonna lie, I might like this version better than Mr. Browne’s original post. Big props for the PSA quote & (mic drop) combo at the end too, that was awesome.

  2. Pingback: Shine | Whiskey & Ice Cream Sandwiches

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