The Five Greatest Marriages of All-Time

5.  James Carville and  Mary Matalin

So what if James Carville draws a striking resemblance to Golem from Lord of the Rings?  So what if he may have framed Roger Rabbit?  And so what if Mary Matalin is contractually obligated to only wear clothing in pantsuit form?  Shakespeare had  Romeo and Juliet, we have Carville and Matalin.  Instead of the Montagues and the Capulets, it’s the Bushs and the Clintons.  In the 1992 presidential election, Carville was campaign manager for Bill Clinton while Matalin was campaign manager for George H.W Bush.  In 1993 they were married.  In 2012, they still don’t agree and they’re still adorable.

4.  Jay-Z and Beyonce

Watch the 03 Bonnie & Clyde video.  Now watch the Crazy in Love video.  You just watched arguably the two coolest people in the world, and they’re married.  Think about that for a second and let it set in, THE TWO COOLEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE MARRIED.  I guess that makes sense, but I still can’t quite wrap my head around it, shouldn’t a relationship have some sort of “cool quota”?  It’s just unfair.  When they’re not making platinum albums or selling out stadiums, they’re hanging out at the White House with Barry and Michelle or kicking it with Gwyneth and Chris or just chopping it up with O.  To reiterate these are two coolest people IN THE WORLD, and yeah, they just combined chromosomes to make a baby AKA Blue Ivey AKA the future leader of the free world.

3.  Brad and Tori

Who says you can’t find love on reality TV?  Brad was on The Real World San Diego (the original), Tori was on Road Rules 2007: Viewers Revenge (anyone else remember Road Rules?), they met on RW/RR Challenge: The Gauntlet III (MTV’s best piece of programming EVER).  Brad played the consummate good guy (albeit a bit dim) who ALWAYS got screwed in the end (and was the ONLY worthy foil to CT).  Tori was the beauty queen/emotional wreck.  After eight Challenges, three finals and one of the greatest Challenge moments ever, Brad finally won (with Tori at his side of course), had a baby and retired from reality TV.  To Brad and Tori (yeah, that’s Wes, Evan and Cameran in the wedding party).

2.  Clair and Cliff Huxtable

I don’t often use this word, but there’s only one word that accurately describes Cliff Huxtable.  And that word is, SWAG.  Combine Cliff’s swag with Clair’s class and you get one of the greatest marriages ever.  A marriage that yielded four of the coolest kids around and Vanessa.  I can’t explain it, just watch:

What did I tell you?  SWAG.

1.  John and Donna Massaro

This picture was taken thirty years ago today on my parent’s first wedding anniversary.  Yep, that makes today my parent’s 31st Anniversary.  And they have unequivocally the greatest marriage of all time.  I put full blame on them for my disillusions of love at first sight and believing in “one true loves.”  They’re in their sixties now and I can still catch them making out on the couch, which is mostly gross but still sort of endearing.  They still go out dancing at least once a week.  They still take trips out east to visit the wineries or head into the city to catch a Broadway show.  But most nights they just sit next to each other and watch their shows on CBS until my Dad falls asleep on the couch and my mother wakes him and tells him to come up to bed.  Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad.  Not to be overly sentimental, but I think all I want, is what they have.

CT vs. Lebron

After making the comparison weeks ago, CT cemented himself as the Lebron James of the RW/RR Challenge.  After CT beasted through the season, he found himself face to face in the finals with Johnny Bananas and Camila (and Emily and Ty but they never stood a chance).  CT, in CT fashion, blasted through the first six checkpoints establishing a lead with just a final sprint (albeit up a mountain) to the title.  Then he proved himself Lebron once again.  Like the 2011NBA Finals when Lebron shrunk in crunch time, CT began to cramp down the stretch.  CT on all fours let Johnny AND Camila catch him and pass him squandering another opportunity at the crown.  Diem attempted to play the part of Dwayne Wade in this allegory, she came up big on all the puzzles and tried to motivate her downtrodden partner down the stretch, but in the end it didn’t matter.  Another Challenge in the books and still no finals win for CT.

P.S. This may be the end of the CT run.  There was no more scary, unstable CT this season.  Like Mike Tyson, he was once feared but now he is housebroken, and much less entertaining.

Five Most Memorable CT RW/RR Challenge Moments

I have had an on and off again relationship with the Real World/Road Rules Challenge for the last ten years or so.  CT, the archetype villain or the perfect anti-hero depending on what side of the fence you are on, is undoubtedly the baddest man on the block.  Every competitor, on every season, whether they like to admit it or not, fears lining up across from CT.  An apt comparison for CT would be Lebron James, he dominates the game, physically imposes his opponents and has proven he can take a team to the finals but also like Lebron he has never won it all.  This post compiles the five most memorable CT RW/RR Challenge moments.

THE COOKIE MONSTER

I distinctly remember this.  In CT’s first season he established himself as a tour de force.  Let’s point out what makes this moment great.  First, the humble brag “I won the life saver three times,” translation “I run shit,” then David’s reaction “THAT’S A MAN! THAT’S A MAN! Bye Shane,” translation “THANK YOU CT! THANK YOU CT! He runs shit,” and finally Shane’s quote “I hate to admit it but CT intimidates me,” translation “I hate to admit it, but CT  runs shit”.  Next, CT’s sunglasses, if this aired in 2011 those sunglasses would have its own twitter account.  Lastly the absurdity of this challenge, eat cookies and milk and don’t throw up, really!?! You have a team of writers, producers, show runners and you come up with, what if we have them eat cookies and milk, spin them around and see who throws up first?  And you know what? It is awesome plus CT handles it like a boss.

CT VS ADAM

CT bullying at his best.  In this video he finds his favorite whipping boy, Adam, and lets him have it.  Let’s break down this clip.  One, could we find more fitting outfits for these two, CT with a T-shirt that simply reads “RIOT” and Adam wearing an adult onesie, c’mon, that illustrates their personalities better than I ever could.  Two, at about the twenty second mark we have the classic “lunge at the guy and make him flinch” move, which falls on its face as Adam barely reacts. With Adam’s new found confidence he actually steps to CT rather than just walking away, showing some spine, and what does that get him?  CT’s fist square in his face.   It than takes four dudes struggling to restrain a bloody CT to get Adam to safety, and oh by the way, can someone explain CT’s Batman voice?

 CHOO-CHOO

In Rivals, CT teams up with the aforementioned Adam to take on Johnny and Tyler.  With Adam obviously dragging the team down, CT has to find a way to make up some time, so Adam can catch up.  His solution, “saddle up, lock, load, explode, CHOO-CHOO!”  Can we just take a moment to appreciate the smack down CT lays here, the precision, the power; he railroads two guys with one shot and keeps moving forward like he is taking a jog in Central Park.  CT and Adam eventually lose this one because of Adam’s ineptitude but surprisingly CT puts his arm around him and tells him it’s okay.

THE KISS

Hey look at that, CT has a heart.  While most of CT’s camera time involves  him destroying another human being, the duel offered us another side of CT.  Caught on tape, CT and Diem share their first kiss, how precious, but I want to see CT embarrass some more people. Next.

CT GOES BANANAS

This clip is undeniably great, but what makes it so great?  Is it Johnny flailing around like a turtle lying on its shell? Is it CT treating Bananas like his personal janspot? Or is it, that demonic Frankenstein walk to the can?  Answer.  All of the above, CT utterly humiliates Johnny Bananas and I love seeing Johnny Bananas put in his place.

Hopefully Battle of the Exes can deliver some more memorable CT moments.